Thursday, November 12, 2009

Air Force Wife Charm School

Air Force Wife Charm School.

Oh yes. I said it.

Only the most elite wives are members of this academy. As the Head Mistress, my fellow members and I have created a compilation of lessons. These lessons, or rules of life, if you will, are to be followed by every good Air Force Wife.

We perfect AFW (Air Force Wives) are full of character. We are supportive, patriotic and respect the men and women who fight for our freedom. We never question the United States government. We are always happy, always optimistic, and we persevere through trials like it's our job. Because it is. And we do it with style.

We proudly wear Air Force gear from head to toe, sport saucy bumper stickers that read Who's YOUR Bagdaddy!? and can sing the Air Force Song at the top of our lungs without falter. Our husband's Airman's Creed is proudly mounted onto the walls of our homes, and we have memorized the creed by heart. Air Force Blue is our favorite color, and our hearts skip a beat when we see the beloved Air Force symbol. We are truly magnificent.

And we act like wives.

Without further ado, the current AFW Charm School Lessons:

I. Never EVER say anything that another wife may take as an offense. Not even "hello" is safe in Air Force Wife Charm School!

II. Wear your husband's rank. Even if you're not sure exactly what it is, what it means, or how it looks on his uniform, make sure to mention it every chance you get. Irrelevance to the conversation is no issue when you need to assert yourself to those below you. I mean really, it doesn't matter that their husband got the same rank as yours only a week later, because yours is truly superior. Oh and don't call your husband by his name. Call him by his rank. That's the only identity that either of you need now.

III. You must learn absolutely everything about the Air Force, what your husband does, each squadron at the base where you're stationed and at any base you possibly could be stationed in the future. It doesn't matter that your husband hasn't a clue about a lot of that stuff. As an Air Force wife, you' expected to know these things.

IV. Don't you dare complain when your husband has to work long hours or they randomly change his shift. Seriously, there are some wives out there whose husbands have to work 30 hours per day! Even though there are only 24 hours per day...but see, that only proves how much better their husbands are than yours.

V. SOUND PROOF your house if you live on base! Or else your nosey neighbors will decide to call Security Forces the one time they hear your children yelling at the top of their lungs! They apparently have never had children or watched any for that matter to know that they sometimes get upset! So ACT LIKE A WIFE, NEIGHBOR, and MOTHER and go and make sure everything is ok yourself!

VI. No matter how long you've been in, the people that have JUST started this Air Force life (like yesterday) will ALWAYS know more than you and you just have to have a smile on your face and bite your tongue because OH NO more drama!

Don't disagree with another AFW, or prepare to be bashed by her and all of HER friends. If you are brave (read: stupid) enough to publically disagree with another wife, you will be publically and socially executed. No exceptions. And, if you dare to challange another wife on her ideas, you will be labled as a bad wife, unpatriotic, and a horrible addition to the human race.

Act like a wife and don't tell another wife how it is (that she is being selfish). Of course! An Air Force wife is NOT capable of selfishness or self-centeredness. They NEVER turn an event around to make it about them!

Please act like a wife and don't complain when you have bad days or are displeased with the something about the military. After all, we're supposed to lead perfect lives. We're above everyone else.

As an AFW, our lives are perfect, and we hold the most incredible role of all: the supportive Air Force Wife. Surely nothing would EVER upset us or cause us to be displeased. No, never. Our lives are always perfect! And we ALWAYS ACT LIKE WIVES!

If another AFW ever complains about the Air Force, her base, the uncertainty, etc. you must remind her at least every 5 seconds that she signed up for it, too. When her husband signed that contract, he was actually forfeiting her right to ever complain about anything. To steal a line from A League of Their Own: "There's no crying in the Air Force!"

When we watched our husband sign his (read: our) life away, we definitely knew all that it would entail. Yes, we knew all about the crappy hours, crappy jobs, crappy bases, mean people, long deployments, lonely nights, lonely days, lonely weekends, screwed up pay, becoming a personal slave to the US govt, and we definitely DID sign up for all of those things. It was all in the fine print. If a AFW ever complains, well.. she must have not read the fine print of the contract. It was all there.


I've never laughed so hard in my life. Upon reading Mark these rules tonight, I literally cried. Tears. Actual tears that could have damaged our laptop. Insanely hilarious! Sorry if you don't find these funny at all, but if you're familiar with the military life, you'd probably get a huge kick out of these! I seriously love my AFW friends, and we're all crossing our fingers and hoping that someday, somehow, we'll be stationed together.

Until then, we'll all be acting like wives.

AFW Charm School Head Mistress, husband of E-3 Cox


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. We would make millions. Especially if we could squeeze these 10 lessons onto a t-shirt..

    or a bumper sticker. bwhahaha.

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  4. Tara, if I saw you in a shirt that read "Act Like Wives," that would just be amazing. Truly amazing.

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  6. BAHAHAHA I'm so grateful for friends like you! Yes you are right we must "Act Like Wives" which means us as the wife are never allowed to have fun.. We must be serious at all times, because every matter no matter what is serious...

    I would definitely buy some of that gear too haha and flaunt that all over California!

    - Stephanie, Good AFW, Wife of E-3 Hutchison

  7. I love number ten!! "You signed up for this"... LOL!!

    Mrs. Staff Sergeant Brown

  8. this real or did you and Tara really write them? Like, I understand the irony/sarcasm or whatever you want to call it, but is it a real "club" or are you guys just goofing off?

    Some of those definitely go across the military board to ARMY as well.

  9. A bunch of my friends wrote them, and I wrote a couple. It's just a funny facebook group. We have to laugh about these things, or I think we'd go crazy.

  10. "The best way to get through a struggle is through laughter." :)

  11. Oh, gotcha. I was a little confused.

  12. So I forwarded your link to this girl that I know. She married my best friend (who is in the Air Force stationed in North Dakota). Anyway, her name is Ashley Orbison and she LOVED your post (check my fb wall). AND she made her status something about AFW. You are SUCH a trend-setter. Award winning blog right here, ladies and gentlemen!

  13. Ack! She's at Minot?!! How does she like that? :\ It's *supposedly* the "worst" AFB, but that's always debatable. I've seen some women say they loved it.. thanks, Emmy!! You're the greatest :) I'm heading to fb to see your wall now!

  14. wow! i enjoyed reading this post. It made me laught. :) thanks

  15. Shannon, you've done it again. You really should write it on shirts and thongs. :) It might work. And writing a book would even be better. Oh please, write a book. :) That would be awesome :) You amaze me with the things you all come up with! :)

  16. Watch out.. It's now causing ridiculousness on facebook because people can't understand humor! We made the group to have things to laugh about but I guess some don't understand..

    Ugh some people..


  17. I just stumbled across your blog...awesome post!! I love it! I'm an AF Wife and we are stationed ready for this?...Minot AFB! It's not really as bad as people make it out to just gets really stinkin' cold!!