my quest for the holy grail

ok, holy grail is kind of a hyperbole. more like: quest for the perfect swimsuit.

folks, I spent all day long searching our hometown high and low for a bathing suit.

bad news if you live where I do: if you aren't a size Small, forget about finding one this season. Seriously. just give up now. because that is literally all that's in the stores.

let me take you back to this morning.

mom and I went to Panera Bread. I love that restaurant. the goold ol' poppy seed chicken salad is back!! but I saw something new on the menu - a Cobb Chicken Salad. so I tried it, and I was sad that I did. anyway, we headed first to the mall and I looked at Dillards initially. I really had my heart set on a monokini - that's where there is a thin strip in the front, similiar to a 1-piece, but it's open in the back, so it looks like a bikini from the back. but your sides are open. Well, folks, there were two at Dillards. I hated them.

so we went to Macy's. zip. ugliest bathing suits ever.
then we trotted to American Eagle. nodda.
Nats came to my mind. they always have trendy stuff. WRONG.
maybe Khols? forgettaboutit.
okayokay. Victoria Secret***? HAAA. hilarious story for you there.
hmph. now I'm mad. Hollister? bwhahahaha. as If those would fit me!
Lane Bryant? Why, they don't even sell bathing suits.

I'm nearly certain that I'm forgetting a pit stop that we made. Anyway.

My experience at Victoria's Secret was beyond hilarious. It was.. almost sad. We got there and immediately realized that they didn't even have Larges. Argh! We searched high and low, and a girl even helped us. By the time I was ready for the fitting room, I probably had 10 tops/bottoms flailing around.

So I tried the monokini on first. It was from the PINK selection. It was hot pink and white striped - not my style at all. So I put it on. And here's what happened:




...what??! See that MAJOR gaping in the front? Why, I could stuff a 6-month preggo baby belly in there, and it'd still have room to gap open! ... after laughing hystarically, and taking a picture with my phone, I threw it down.

Next.

I tried on another monokini. This time? DISASTER. Uhm, the entire bathing suit went between my chest-area and ... OMG.. I looked like Borat. Only, the female version. Picture it. Okay, don't. It was HIDEOUS. My mom nearly rolled on the floor laughing. I mean, I could wear it to a nudist beach, but I'm not going to one of those...

Okayokay. Apparently monokinis don't work for me. So I tried on regular old bikinis. HAAA. Let me just tell you what. I need a large, okay? I am not a small. and I'm darn proud of it!! My husband LOVESS my curves, so there, you stinky stores. My butt is also NOT a size medium. It's not. I have a booty, and I'm cool with that. Mark is super cool with that. So there.

The sales woman at VS actually told me that they really don't order larges. You have to "get those online" ... ahem, WHAT?! Hold up. Wait a minute.

This is the country that screams "get breast implants! woowooo go for it!!" but when it comes down to it, it's IMPOSSIBLE TO SHOP IN THE STORES IF YOU'RE.. well-endowed.. ?

ahem.

American Eagle doesn't even carry anything larger than a 34C. You have to order everything online. Arrrgh.

So anyway. I was furious at this point. You really don't know what I'm going through unless you have my problem. It's extremely frustrating. Nearly every single bottom for a bathing suit in VS was an extra small. Riiiiight. Let me find how many extra small WOMEN there are roaming the streets. Maybe we can find a middle schooler and she'll fit into one!!

After a freakout moment where my mom and I thought someone stole our car, we remembered that we parked in a different location than usual. Hehe.. so we came home, and I got online. I found the perfect bathing suit on VictoriasSecret.com.




I altered the picture because this is a family-friendly blog. And, well, that model was not family-friendly.

All for only $48 - INCLUDING shipping!!

Folks, the moral of the story is: this summer, in your search for the holy grail perfect swimsuit, save your time and your money and go online. You order them by your bra size, so there's no chance that it won't fit. I mean, I hope it fits, anyway.



-Sujen, aren't you proud that I posted another picture of me in a bathing suit!? That makes TWO in one week! I must be trying to set a record or something!




edit: let it be known that Motherhood Maternity did enter my mind, and as we passed, I cocked my head really high to see if they sold bathing suits! I just KNOW that they would carry tops that would fit big ol breastfeeding mamas! Hehehe.