Thursday, June 4, 2009

my quest for the holy grail

ok, holy grail is kind of a hyperbole. more like: quest for the perfect swimsuit.

folks, I spent all day long searching our hometown high and low for a bathing suit.

bad news if you live where I do: if you aren't a size Small, forget about finding one this season. Seriously. just give up now. because that is literally all that's in the stores.

let me take you back to this morning.

mom and I went to Panera Bread. I love that restaurant. the goold ol' poppy seed chicken salad is back!! but I saw something new on the menu - a Cobb Chicken Salad. so I tried it, and I was sad that I did. anyway, we headed first to the mall and I looked at Dillards initially. I really had my heart set on a monokini - that's where there is a thin strip in the front, similiar to a 1-piece, but it's open in the back, so it looks like a bikini from the back. but your sides are open. Well, folks, there were two at Dillards. I hated them.

so we went to Macy's. zip. ugliest bathing suits ever.
then we trotted to American Eagle. nodda.
Nats came to my mind. they always have trendy stuff. WRONG.
maybe Khols? forgettaboutit.
okayokay. Victoria Secret***? HAAA. hilarious story for you there.
hmph. now I'm mad. Hollister? bwhahahaha. as If those would fit me!
Lane Bryant? Why, they don't even sell bathing suits.

I'm nearly certain that I'm forgetting a pit stop that we made. Anyway.

My experience at Victoria's Secret was beyond hilarious. It was.. almost sad. We got there and immediately realized that they didn't even have Larges. Argh! We searched high and low, and a girl even helped us. By the time I was ready for the fitting room, I probably had 10 tops/bottoms flailing around.

So I tried the monokini on first. It was from the PINK selection. It was hot pink and white striped - not my style at all. So I put it on. And here's what happened:

...what??! See that MAJOR gaping in the front? Why, I could stuff a 6-month preggo baby belly in there, and it'd still have room to gap open! ... after laughing hystarically, and taking a picture with my phone, I threw it down.


I tried on another monokini. This time? DISASTER. Uhm, the entire bathing suit went between my chest-area and ... OMG.. I looked like Borat. Only, the female version. Picture it. Okay, don't. It was HIDEOUS. My mom nearly rolled on the floor laughing. I mean, I could wear it to a nudist beach, but I'm not going to one of those...

Okayokay. Apparently monokinis don't work for me. So I tried on regular old bikinis. HAAA. Let me just tell you what. I need a large, okay? I am not a small. and I'm darn proud of it!! My husband LOVESS my curves, so there, you stinky stores. My butt is also NOT a size medium. It's not. I have a booty, and I'm cool with that. Mark is super cool with that. So there.

The sales woman at VS actually told me that they really don't order larges. You have to "get those online" ... ahem, WHAT?! Hold up. Wait a minute.

This is the country that screams "get breast implants! woowooo go for it!!" but when it comes down to it, it's IMPOSSIBLE TO SHOP IN THE STORES IF YOU'RE.. well-endowed.. ?


American Eagle doesn't even carry anything larger than a 34C. You have to order everything online. Arrrgh.

So anyway. I was furious at this point. You really don't know what I'm going through unless you have my problem. It's extremely frustrating. Nearly every single bottom for a bathing suit in VS was an extra small. Riiiiight. Let me find how many extra small WOMEN there are roaming the streets. Maybe we can find a middle schooler and she'll fit into one!!

After a freakout moment where my mom and I thought someone stole our car, we remembered that we parked in a different location than usual. Hehe.. so we came home, and I got online. I found the perfect bathing suit on

I altered the picture because this is a family-friendly blog. And, well, that model was not family-friendly.

All for only $48 - INCLUDING shipping!!

Folks, the moral of the story is: this summer, in your search for the holy grail perfect swimsuit, save your time and your money and go online. You order them by your bra size, so there's no chance that it won't fit. I mean, I hope it fits, anyway.

-Sujen, aren't you proud that I posted another picture of me in a bathing suit!? That makes TWO in one week! I must be trying to set a record or something!

edit: let it be known that Motherhood Maternity did enter my mind, and as we passed, I cocked my head really high to see if they sold bathing suits! I just KNOW that they would carry tops that would fit big ol breastfeeding mamas! Hehehe.


  1. I love that I could FINALLY see your suit. I mean, since my school has the site BLOCKED. What in the world?!? So, if I wanted to shop for a suit, that wouldn't happen, because evidently they think I will be looking at dirty pictures. Weird.

    Plus, once I went to VS, and the lady measured me, and said, "umm, We don't carry your size here." hahaha. I have little boobies. :)

  2. LOL. Okay, I guess it goes BOTH ways. I guess you have to be a normal size like B. Us weirdos just can't shop there!

  3. umm...ok i really don't see what was wrong with her stomach everyone shows their stomach in a Bikini.... but whatever. and to point out the maternity store DOES sell bathing suits. one-pieces and bikinis fyi.

  4. That was too funny!! Just wait until the day when you take your daughter bathing suit shopping with you and she tells you that the suit looks like a Granny suit, or "whoa Mom, there's WAAYYY too much boob showing in that one" or, " aren't you a little old for that one?" "too much boob again- don't bend over they'll fall out!" "augh my eyes!! take it off!!" Very humbling and sort of entertaining =) I hope the one you ordered is perfect- it looks very cute!! ; )

  5. Don't worry I have the SAME exact problem when it comes to buying suits. I have curves Mike loves them he doesn't like girls that have no curves and are flat. So I HATE bathing suit shopping! No one has larges in bottoms ever and I guess I'm just too big on top to ever have a top that fits decently! I think we should open up our own store that would be so much better then we wouldn't have to worry about it!

    Stephanie H.

  6. No kidding!!! Definitely. I mean, tops FIT me.. but I look like someone that should be standing on a street corner.


    and I would like to look a little more modest in public. I really don't like showing off my body. EVER. So it's hard to find one that covers me enough.

  7. This post is hilarious. Try finding little slinky night shifts for pregnant women. I finally found something presentable at JC Penny.

    I'm glad I visited your blog.

  8. Sooo I totally can't find a bathing suit, either.:/ Every suit in my size is a bikini and I want a one-piece. Like, a full one piece, but a cute one, not one that's all old-lady-ish. I found a reallllly cute one online, but it was like $100 and I couldn't stand to pay that much. Uugh.

    I'm glad you found a suit, though! It's really cute, and I got a good laugh out of your censorship. You are so cute!

  9. on, they are having big sales. just go there, click on Swim, and then go to the one-piece section. I LOVE THEM. i love them more than bikinis. and there is a sale for an EXTRA 30% off if you type 30SWIM in the coupon spot when you check out. i mean, they have 1 piece awesome bathing suits for like $29 dollars on there.. and then you'd get 30% off!!! it's totally awesome. but I got my polka dot 1 piece at Dillards like 2 years ago. but I really really like the VS ones!! You could get one for around $40 including shipping on there! What a deal!

  10. WOAH! Thanks! Checking, uh, RIGHT NOW!!!

  11. Yes, Shannon. I am proud of you for posting two pictures in a week of you in a bathing suit. Props, girl. Major props and kudos!

    And yes, this is Sujen. My Gmail account is on the fritz, so I had to post as Anon. lol